Sometimes, a topic that I've touched on in one of my log entries may need a little elaboration, or I may want to put thoughts scattered around many entries together in one place. And so I'll periodically contribute short essays to this site.

For example, I might include an essay on a controversial subject, like - Why did Christ go to the Cross?

Or I might write a personal essay about growing up or about my philosophy of life or child-rearing.

Writing essays requires a little more work than writing log entries, but it also gives me a chance to really shape and express my thoughts.

Christ praying to the Father in agony at the Garden of Gethsemane.

Let me give a little background first. I knew I wanted to be a Man of God from the time I was five years old; or so my parents say. I was saved so early I can't remember, and went to Methodist Sunday and Summer Schools as a child.

After a Near Death Experience in Europe in 1973, I started looking for some answers as to why this event occurred. Believe me when I say it is a life-changing event. I studied in private libraries and Monasteries in Europe and the US for many years, trying to understand my NDE and grow closer to Christ. Our relationship has grown to the point where it is so personally intimate; I cannot fully describe it with words. This research has led me to some conclusions which many say are near revolutionary; and some say make me a 'false teacher', because they have not had this experience. I am sorry for them, forgive them; and can only pray they develop the "Divine Relationship" my Brother Jesus and I have developed over the years. I know He is love, with no limits at all. Please accept the following conclusions with this understanding: as a research analyst and historian; many things I have found follow no established church doctrine.

According to historical records, which are one of a kind from the Sufi Archives in ancient Persia; comes a diary of Miriam of Mijdla or [Mary Magdalen] as the Bible names her.

She was said to be a 'sinner' - a harlot, to be precise. Yet, Christ worked with such people all of his Ministerial life. She is said to be the lady who washed his feet with her hair and tears, soon before His crucifixtion.

From all available source records, Miriam loved Christ with an intensity many of us may never know; but only pray we can. This diary is detailed in the book 'Christ is my Brother, by James'; and its corollary source; "The Lady With The Alabaster Jar".

In there, I found a wondrous thing: Miriam reappears as a Queen of the Merovingian Line in Southern France. She had a daughter named - Sarah - Father unknown.

One wonders, historically why the inquisition tried so very hard to eliminate the entire blood line from this union.

My thesis is this, and it is only a perception after many hours of prayer and subjegation which only a Monk can make, for only we have the time to make them. That Christ was also in Love with Miriam of Mijdla, but she like so many others betrayed Him. [That's the reason for the tears.]

As a man, I can only tell you that there is nothing more devastating to me than to lose my trust in the one love of my life from a betrayal. Whether true or not, just the inference that my love is untrue to me is the most devastating thing any man can deal with in all of his life.

I can only tell you that it feels like half of my heart is gone, and I cannot stop crying. Other men: can you admit this, or am I a first? I doubt it. We simply are not supposed to talk about this subject. Our culture frowns upon it. Men are not supposed to cry. Yet, I have found gentleness is the true definition of a man. That, and forgiveness and mercy - the love of Christ.

Did Christ feel the same way?

Is that why he forced the issue with Pilate and the Sanhedrin and Pharisees? Did He too, want only to return to the only true source of love He had ever known: Father God?

Was He so heart-broken he only wanted to die?

Revolutionary? Perhaps? Yet I only know Christ was the Son of God, divinely ordained by the Father to save us.

But, He was also a man. My Brother, who loves me with no limits at all.

Did He love her the same way?

Did He save us all? His love always will, with no limits at all.

Fortunately, our society and our very physical beings mitigate for physical and spiritual betrayals by the one whom we love with all our beings.

This is the reason for marriage, under God. The reason why I cannot love - really love - outside of marriage.

But now, I find myself loving someone with such intensity that the agony has taken over my being. I must change this feeling; or I will not survive. How? I only know this feeling may be turned back over to Christ, and He will remove it; for a time. Then, it returns and once more I am in agony. Dear Jesus - Father God; help me. Your Child. James.

A new situation. Remember, this is speculation. What if we are one? What if those we love can communicate with us? If so, we men will always know when you cheat on us, ladies. In the morning, we can hear you say good morning to someone else. We can feel you make love physically to another. Men appear to be the romantics, but they refuse to talk about it. Women are much more practical. Whoever satisfies them today, that's where they go. This appears to be something very natural; and may be one of the biggest secrets in the universe. It is said husbands are the last to know. Be very careful, ladies. You may be wrong.