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Colorado Tears is a Journal - a 'Spiritual Love Story' - according to some - yet full of dependency, and fear and horror.
In here, I'm going to try to detail; ipso facto [after the fact]; what happened - perhaps why.
This is the greatest love story I'll probably ever tell, and the greatest horror story of my life. As an ex military medic, I know what horror is. When you watch a man put a hole in his brother's head to keep the enemy from torturing him - you know. Evil is a judgment call, so I'll stay away from that.
Some say I have a strange history. After coming home from the debacle overseas, I bowed out and became a celibate Monk for a number of years. I should have known I couldn't escape from what I'd become. They had tried to recruit me for some years. As soon as I left the Monastery, it didn't take them long to find me. My skill levels are in demand in some quarters, but the options for survival are slim. At least it was Paul.
One of the biggest problems we all face throughout our lives is a major question. It's spiritual, and practical. It applies to all facets of our lives: What If?
What if I had taken that road, instead of this one? Would life today be different?
What if I had done something else, could I have saved lives?
What if you had looked all your life for the basic meanings behind life? We used to say: "It don't mean nuthin'' - an option out of current reality, because if not, survival was slim indeed. Thinking about the horror around us would leave your breath short in your chest and your mind frozen forever. We learned to accept whatever happened, put one foot in front of another, and press on. Live for the moment, not the past or the future - but right now. Later, the Monastery taught the same technique.
What if you found some information which was so sensitive, you could die from the knowledge? Just the possession would be an automatic death sentence? Researching who Christ was as a man, I found it. Since then, others have found it. It took the pressure off.
What if someone took your child? What if Law Enforcement wouldn't - couldn't - help you? What would you do?
What if someone took your wife or your husband, and they didn't ask for ransom? You come home one night, your home is ransacked, and they're gone?
What if a 'religion' - a 'cult' - abducted them?
What if you had the training and the knowledge to make a real difference, not only in the life of your child, your loved one, but in many others?
What if you could use that knowledge to form your own private intelligence agency, to save the lives of children and missing spouses? What if they were yours?
What if you found something so devastating - worldwide - only the Agency could handle it? The profits are so enormous, everyone turns their backs on anything but cosmetic solutions? It's called International Human Trafficking for Sexual Exploitation, and many children and young people simply disappear from this country, and others. Organized crime is behind it. What would you do?
What if you're working with Law Enforcement, but outside the law because no human law covers the crime? LE places the problem way down on their priority list. Most consider the victims to be the perpetrators. What would you do?
What if it's new ground - a new way of looking at an old problem - so important only God can be your Judge?
Would you be a vigilante, or the right hand of God?
Would you do it? Some say we did.
You decide. "Judge not, lest ye be judged." Said the Christ. "By their fruit you shall know them."
Remember, 'A' - I loved you. Please stop being afraid.
I told you I couldn't judge you, and I won't.
But, the other half of the meaning of 'judge' is 'to make a decision', and you'll see why I still cannot decide - Who you are - Angel or Devil; or somewhere in between? Ask yourself: who am I? Yeah. Go ahead. Ask. If you're sure you can take the answer.
All I know is I loved you with all my heart and at least half of that is missing.
Let me call you Eve. [ That's not your real name, but your privacy and mine is very important, and I have to get this by the censors, somehow. ] Internally - your Code Name is ANNETTE.
Is anyone out there thinking or saying "Men aren't supposed to write diaries, and they aren't supposed to unburden their hearts in public?"
Well, maybe it's not too late. You see, we men have been programmed and conditioned by our society for too long about what a man is 'supposed to be'.
A man is not what his society says he is, but what God says he is - His Child - right along with you, my love. We're even. Quit competing. Come on - please? This has gone on much too long now.
We should be sitting beside the fire in the cabin, waiting for the grandchildren to come by; helping us trim the tree.
Jesus says: "Love your neighbor as you would yourself, and love God with all your heart, mind and soul."
Well, this man has had a recent heart attack, and he really doesn't care too much about what society thinks any more. The society is sick, and it may not survive.
He'd like to get this down before it's too late, for himself, the one woman he loves with what's left of his heart, and those of you out there who are perhaps too afraid to say what I'm going to love you about relationships. Quit playing ego games with love. You're One. Accept it, and move on. One step at a time.
Still. "Be Still, and Know that I Am God." Psalm 46:10
This is where it should begin for all of us.
Instead, it begins in Genesis, when God said: "All is Good."
Then, the Bible's 'Prophets' say in the Old Testament: "No one is good, not one." Bit of a quandary, what? Who decides? I'll let you do that.
The biggest question I've had from the few who have read this before publication: "Is it real?"
Col. Eric Loatz
Covert Case Officer
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